Is it right for me to hate you for making me feel pain? I want to get out of this loop hole.  The truth hurts. I want to be able know things without letting it get the best of me. I don’t want to feel so much. I don’t care if i’m being ignorant. What does that matter if I’m always miserable at the end of the day?

And if we had buttons for emotions, this would have turned out differently.

Or, if vampires were real.

Looks like things could work out.

In early 2010, I think I started off even more motivated to achieve whatever I planned. Knowing I had to make the most out of my senior years, sadly, I lost myself along the way in the midst of all that hard work. I got caught up with obligations and kept taking on tasks beyond my limits which I eventually couldn’t sum an explain as to why I did so. Time indeed was a factor. Not to mention the hours per week spent on the road for tuition’s (just because I never had enough confidence that I could do it on my own), how I had to change out of house practice clothes and then swallow bumpy lunch meals in the car. The weekly routine was energy draining and unnecessary. Well, yeah now that I have the list right in front of me, mostly crossed out, I can’t help but think if I was really power crazy. I don’t know why I let myself go through with that. Maybe I was too nice to object, say no, have an opinion.

However there remains one thing that has not been marked ‘checked’. After thorough thinking, I certainly have no guts to say that I could hold a pencil and scratch it out from my list. Me, often the worry wort, has been reduced to say, “Has all of this really paid off?” Guess I’ll find out two weeks from now.

I’m also kind of pissed by people who give me the she’s-wasting-her-life-away look when they question the reason I don’t plan to do a March intake into college. It’s just easier to give it back to them by saying that I’m sloth-ing my life away. I feel that I don’t need to explain myself to people like them. How bad a difference does it make if you graduate a year faster than I do? Does it make you smarter because you’re studying Chemistry and I’m busy baking Chocolate Fondant’s? You know, for once I don’t want to feel bounded by goals, time or anything like that and be able to indulge into things that make me happy, even if it means making stupid crossword puzzles. Most importantly it’s the space that I need to figure out what my next move is. Not something you can sleep over night, not something that you can have fully planned out with over due assignments.

Coming from all this, I think we should constantly check if we do strike a right balance between work, play and time for yourself. Time to read, draw, make things, and submerge yourself in your own thoughts daily is quite important. Our physical and mental strength is that of an engine. If time is not taken to stop the engine, we might just break down earlier than expected, missing out on all the good things we could have enjoyed in life.

It reminds me of Drake and Josh Go Hollywood. Wouldn’t really mind if I was kept hostage, spent a month in LA and everyone lives happily ever after at the end. I’d trade for an adventure.

But no, I should at least be concerned that I got on the wrong plane. who wouldn’t right.